Misanthropy's Report/ Prol-A

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Misanthropy’s

“Share & Disseminate” Center

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 3

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 4

... and surroundings, Thursday, Oct. 31st. 1996, before noon..

“… Ten! – Eleven! – Count the lashes, mister slut, count the lashes, don’t you love your mistress? You’d love to paw her tits, wouldn’t you? Ok, mister slut, then count louder, slut, count the lashes louder! – Fifteen! – Sixteen! –You love your mistress, don’t you, slut? Oh, yeah? Lick this whip, slut, are you a real pain slut? Say! Are you a real, true pain slut? Oh, yeah? You like it? You’re grateful? Want more? Take this, then!”

“Twenty! – Twenty-one! – Louder, slut, louder! – Twenty-two! – You love your mistress, don’t you, slut? Twenty-three! Louder, louder, slut, can’t you hear me? – Now as I whip you, start saying those little lines you showed me when you came here, ok? Twenty-five! Say: ‘Remember Julia? Under the spreading chestnut tree, I sold you and you sold me’ – guilt and remorse, mister Warsaw Pact captain, ain’t so? Let’s soothe them! – twenty-six! ‘Remember Julia? Under the spreading chestnut tree, I sold you and you sold me’ – guilt and remorse, ain’t so?”

“Pretty sight, you naked, tied in black straps and chromed chains – LICK-THE-WHIP! LICK-THE-HANDLE! Good, you did it quickly, you like it, love your mistress – Twenty-seven! ‘Remember Julia? Under the spreading chestnut tree, I sold you and you sold me’ – guilt and remorse, ain’t so? – Twenty-eight! Alright, now you’ll close those lines with your clandestine name, Houdini: ‘I am Houdini!’ ok? – Let’s do it – Twenty-nine! ‘Remember Julia? Under the spreading chestnut tree, I sold you and you sold me – I am Houdini!’ – Thirty! ‘Remember Julia? Under the spreading chestnut tree, I sold you and you sold me – I am Houdini!’ –Thirty-one!”

“Well, captain Houdini, now keep this whip in your mouth – alright, now I’ll crank this rack – spread you more in this steel frame – more – you said you’re a Leonardo

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 5

Da Vinci kind of type – more – now you’re eagle spread exactly like Da Vinci’s perfect man – more – the perfect man, the even measure of – both square and circle – now spread and locked in – this square’s rigorous correctness – more – and this circle’s unbreakable perfection – more – abandoned, defenselessly spread and locked – in your atonement quest’s travails – your frightened flesh well controlled – by chains and links – shiny steel joints – “

Shiny steel joints jolting, the deafening roar of a stock cars race – the shiny steel structures of links and springs holding the madly spinning, bouncing, front wheels of some race cars.

A darting, tight pack of colorful, NASCAR Open Wheels Modified race cars on the Irwin-dale speedway in California, their naked, wedge-like front structures connecting the wildly bouncing and canting front wheels carrying the back, hulking sections of 60’s Chevy-s and Dodge-s with smoking tires and flaming mufflers – a red car is shark-like muzzling, trying to find a crevice to dash through between the other cars’ skidding rears and thundering mufflers, and so they fade away.

In the hot air the speedway’s gray, banked strip snakes at the bottom of the tribunes, the San Gabriel mountains loom in the hazy distance, loudspeakers eerily reverberate, announcing numbers of race laps and cars positions – a rapidly growing roar, from behind the curve again the cars appear, tiny, imprecise shapes, they speed madly, quickly grow to larger and larger spots, then to streaks of blurry color that deafeningly thunder, zipping by tribunes – a tight race, a tight pack, and they all arrow ahead, at curves in group, spider-like skidding, front wheels synchronously canting, jiggling furiously in their steel articulations then vanish in the hazy distance, the red car still behind, trying to wedge itself between the skidding rears of the others’.

“My steering’s losing pressure,” Nick acknowledges for himself, registering the increa-singly resistant feel of the driving wheel, “I have to quit. Again.”

Again and again – again in the same situation, a barely making the mechanical inspection car, this hodge-podge of Chevy old parts. Again helmeted, in his dirty white fire proof overall, ensconced in the sadistically curved seat, his red car roaring, plunging into the swallowing tunnel between tribunes, blurry view through the haze of hot, smoky air over the motor and the front structure of the vehicle, his gloved hand jumping to and fro between driving wheel and shift lever, again fearfully glancing at the red needles of the gages mercilessly showing the age of his engine.

Suddenly, the engine of the blue car in front of him erupts in a geyser of hot oil, starts spraying black threads of fluid in the air, then, enveloped by smoke, the car careens un-con-trollably rightward, the running order is disrupted – Nick slams the accelerator pedal to the floor: next second, the Chevy is side by side with the front runners, then, sucked by the dis-array, he cuts one’s way, then another one’s – the red Chevy is now on the shorter, left lane, free way ahead, and many laps to go – roaring through this horizontal chute, the front wheels furiously jiggling in their chromed, steel articulations…

“… the perfect Da Vinci man eagle spread on these steel bars, count the whips, captain Houdini –Forty! ‘Remember Julia? Under the spreading chestnut tree, I sold you and you sold me – I am Houdini!’ – Guilt and remorse, Houdini, ain’t so? LICK-THIS-WHIP! LICK-IT! LICK-IT! Guilt and remorse, Houdini, ain’t so? – Now, Houdini, at each lash, you’ll echo what I’ll say, ok?”

“The very chambers of despair I’m journeying in –One!”

“The very chambers of despair I’m journeying in –“

“Yet ugly they’re not – Two!”

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 6

“Yet ugly they’re not –“

“But still, no place for puttis – Three!”

“But still, no place for puttis –“

“But for El Greco, Goya, maybe Munch – Four!”

“But for El Greco, Goya, maybe Munch –“

“The arms and legs helplessly spread – Five!”

“The arms and legs helplessly spread –“

“The cringing flesh under the glossy skin –Six!”

“The cringing flesh under the glossy skin –“

“And eyes, and eyes, and eyes, the greedy eyes that –Seven!”

“And eyes, and eyes, and eyes, the greedy eyes that –“

“Never abandon you, in lustful terror, shameful pleasure –Eight!”

“Never abandon you, in lustful terror, shameful pleasure –“

“Guilt and remorse, guilt and remorse –Nine!”

“Guilt and remorse, guilt and remorse – “

“Guilt and remorse, at each lash are replaced –Ten!”

“Guilt and remorse, at each lash are replaced – “

“By love, relief and love – Eleven!”

“By love, relief and love –“

“By boundless, boundless, mad gratitude –Twelve!”

“By boundless, boundless, mad gratitude – “

“And love and love and love for your other half –Thirteen!”

“And love and love and love for my other half –“

“Who fiercely allows herself –“

“Who fiercely allows herself – Fourteen!”

“To guide you’n the hellish heaven of your mind – Fifteen!”

“To guide me’n the hellish heaven of my mind –“

“LICK-THIS-WHIP! THREAD-BY-THREAD! LICK-IT! LICK-IT! You love your mistress, don’t you? Gratitude, ever felt it so intently? Did you? You love your mistress, don’t you? Captain Houdini, locked in chains and straps, you’re staring at me – here, I unlock your right hand – these straps on me, here, slip your palm under – here – ok, don’t move it, keep it there – am I not a great mistress? – Now count, slut: One! ‘Remember Julia? – Under the spreading chestnut tree…”

Some spreading, leafy chestnut trees covering a quiet Los Angeles street, wooden, eccentric cottages behind thick hedges – a white Lincoln town-car, dark backseats windows, is slowly moving ahead, stopping now and then, the unclear profiles of the passengers scrutinizing the cottages. A back window slides down – in the chiaroscuro of the back seats, the shapes of two men, an older one, in his mid-fifties, impeccable business suit, precisely shaped face of Roman emperor under a precisely angled fedora, and a younger one, sun glasses & high voltage red neck tie, both examining the cottages:

“Melc Street, Don Lorenzo – one of those weird houses, don’t worry, this cheat is ours,” says Toby, the sun-glassed fellow, leaning towards the man with fedora.

“It’s a done job, Don Lorenzo. Now, just let me go back to my thing, I told you about my plan, I need just some support, then my business will skyrocket, a dollars making ma-chine, I tell you. Caïd, here in LA is kind of tropics, the sun is blazing all year long, but again, it’s Los Angeles, so tanning salons are really hot. I studied

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 7

the market, I found a place near a Banana Republic, I’ll open with twelve tanning coffins –” *[MDN-01]

“Tanning coffins?” asks Don Lorenzo.

“This is how they call them, tanning coffins. So, nine coffins, Caïd, then besides that, I’ll load that place, the Los Angeles forced feed thing, just listen: I’ll have guano pies, dehydrated water, Buddhist pedicurist from Tibet, vegetarian teas, shaman turd masks and packings, aura evaluation corner, tantric sex and screenwriting workshops, Move-On.Org registration desk, I tell you, the real Los Angeles, everything totally, totally natural! Then the name, the name recognition thing – just listen, I did some re-search, now you chose the best of them: L'Etre Et Le Neant or L’ Honteux Et Le Macabre or Honi Soit Qui Mal Y Pense what about that? I mean real Los Angeles! Sitar player! Cappuccinos with yak cream! In West Hollywood, on Santa Monica at La Cienega! Or on Melrose! Or Robertson! The hip crowd, you’ll see them flocking! Stampede! We’ll need a bouncer, I tell you!”

“Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This, Everybody Is Looking For Something,” the energetic rhythms burst into the car – Ossy, the driver, a man in a leather jacket and burglar cap has settled for a disco station, turns himself to the back seats:

“L'Etre Et Le Neant – what is that?”

“L'Etre Et Le Neant is a good name for a tanning joint”, allows Don Lorenzo: “But this is talk, you got to come with a business plan, something solid, cash flow projections, locate the competitors around for some control, all these things.”

“Caïd, I studied everything, it’s gonna be a steamroller, I told you, guano pies, Buddhist shrimper, shaman turd masks, aura evaluation corner, tantric sex and screenwriting workshops, I’m gonna get Sean Delier as cashier!”

“Who’s Sean Delier?”

“He’s – she’s – hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. A multiethnic transsexual. Sean Delier. She’s on the public access cable, gotten a mystic perfumes show. Huge following locally.”

“I don’t want Sean Delier around my money,” promptly decides Don Lorenzo: “No way! Listen, you got to work more on your project. Now let's check the house. I want my money back – if someone wants to shaft me, that’s trouble. This won’t happen.”

The Lincoln is creeping by the row of wooden, curiously shaped cottages, then stops as they are examining one of the buildings – behind an unruly hedge in a deep garden, a battered, clapboards & stones cottage with a tall, crumbling brick chimney, the upper floor fairy tale-like encroached by the sprawling, thick crowns of the surrounding, untamed trees, its porch overflowing with old, broken furniture and stuffed cardboard boxes, on the un-kempt lawn, a rusted Buick, covered by dead leaves. By the cottage, on the driveway leading to a wooden, double garage with closed doors, an open air mechanical workshop – a NASCAR Open Wheels race car, body sliced, an engine held by some chains from a hoist above its open front structure, then tools, fenders, spoilers, struts, engine blocks and other mechanicalia.

The Lincoln’s door opens and Toby gets out – in a smart business suit, red neck-tie beaming mental waves, he prudently studies the surroundings, the windows of the cottage.

Quiet, peaceful atmosphere – Toby acknowledges an order from Don Lorenzo, walks to the cottage, his white & brown shoes crushing the fallen twigs on the ground. A sudden waft of Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This tune follows him in this tranquil world – Don Lorenzo has came out from the Lincoln, whistles, shows him to circle the building, Toby nods, walks by the race car, disappears by the garage behind the cottage.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

* [MDN-01: Misanthropy’s Disdainful Note-01]: “Caïd’”; underworld boss, French slang.

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 8

“Everybody Is Looking For Something,” rhythms mark the moments as Don Lorenzo is waiting on the side-walk, then Toby reappears by the porch, checks a box with empty bottles, then the mail left on a bench – magazines, letters, he examines the address on them, then, confirmingly waving a letter walks back to Don Lorenzo who is now by the race car, shows him the envelope:

“The right person, Caïd – but right now no one’s home.”

“Ok,” decides Don Lorenzo, glancing on the letter’s address: “Let’s go get a coffee some-where, we’ll come back later for business,” he shakes the chain of the hoist holding the engine over the race car: “I want my money back.”

“… spread and locked in chains and straps, the perfect Da Vinci man; keep your palm under the strap, don’t move it, am I not a great mistress? Now count, slut, count: twenty-one! Remember Julia? Under the spreading chestnut tree, I sold you and you sold me – I am Houdini! – twenty-two! Remember Julia? Under the – Houdini, what are you doing! HOU-DINI-WHAT-ARE-YOU-DOING! LET-IT-GO! LET-IT-GO!”

Under the reddish beams of some spotlights, in her red-black platform boots and Domina-trix black straps & chromed chains outfit, Anna is clumsily, furiously flailing, thumping on the stage boards – she has just dropped her script and flogger and is fighting a naked mid-aged, hairy man who is vaguely chained to a St. Andrew cross, she is trying to pull out from under her Gothic, studded patsy his clutching hand – nobility of Thespian endeavors! Post thirty-years-old actresses in Hollywood, prepare!

Outside, a bus melancholically rumbles away, the ascending rows of seats of the little, seedy Hollywood theater loom empty in the obscurity and on the scene, Anna is angrily wrest-ling the naked man’s arm, the two engaged in a gasping, mano-a-mano fight and rapid foot-work:

“Let it go! This wasn’t in the script!” thump-thump-thump!

“Óbey Dírektór! Think méthod – akt méthod!” the naked man pants in a heavy √ Hun-garian √ Polish √ Romanian accent: “We must surrénder to íllicit ürge of Käracters!”

“Take your paw out from there! Let me go!” her little hands battle his hairy, gnarled arm! “Rehearsal’s over!” thump-thump-thump!

“Dön’t rébel! We’re moving fròm Grótowsky ìmmersiön to Jüngian mùtuál sùbmission! Ün Gèorges Bìgot ätèlier èxerciz!”

“Stop it! No more ätèlier! I won’t do this show anymore!” she’s managed to pull out his hand from her Gothic Queen crotch appointment!

“Thïs is víscerâl theátr, wë mùst rédeem karnálly òn Thälia’s áltar to cónjure árt!” the monster’s mânaged to ùnlock his õther arm frõm the St. Andrĕw cross, ís åktïvély clûtchíng, föndling hér!

“Let me go, you’re a pig!” she screams, fighting his hairy arms – fifty of them! Verily so! Lord, give her strength! all over this maiden’s body! “No more method!”

“I shówed you Bláke’s árt with náked vïrgën and knight in ármor! Rómantik árt!” the monster’s gröanĩng, mûzzling at hër tits! “Flesh rédeeming steel! Swórd and khálice! This is méthod, vísceral árt! Kárnál tránscéndence!”

“Pig! Swine! I will report this to the guild!” the vïrgën’s strügglïn’ in the monzter’z armz!

“Dískard yör négatïffs! Thè shöw wíll bë a kíll!” Dìrektór’s fäce is nibbling at hér ünderärms! bréasts, néck, béllee! Ärm clutching hér butts, bäck-stépping, he’s

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 1

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 2

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 9

drägging this wärm, thümp-thümping, wiggling céllo to his dévöring couch! ther’in the därknéss!

“I shöw you Grotówský wörkshóp with âborígines ënacting – Pig! Pig! – Dìrektör rë-turning to the víscéral fóuntain för quênch –Swine! – Tóbríand Island wórship of éssen-tíal wömb – Swine, let me go! – Réturn to prímördial twât – Pig! – Phällùs cönsecrätion! – Pig! Pig! – The Röckfçller Foundåtion – You fucking dickhead! – MåcÄrthur gränt – Swine, help! – Help, help! – Mud, spërm, mënstrúation célebratïon – Pig! I d¿d it at Lødz – Pig! Düsseldorf – Swine! Let me go! – Prägue – Pig! Pig! – Hável himself – Pig! Let me go! – Krítics älways smäshed! Keine kärnal pürgatïff, keine årt!”

“No carnal purgatiff!” she screams, wiggling in his hairy arms! “Pig-I-AM-OUT-OF-THIS! LET-ME-GO!”

“Dón’t répress yör ürge! Yòu’re dämaging yòur talénts!”

“LET-ME-GO! LET-ME-GO! LET-ME-GO!” ànd ön thìy gõ, thĕ pĕrïls öf Ännä!

“Kárnal lüst, sháme, güilt – Pig! – then Kátharsis! – Pig! Pig! – Pétér Séllérs said – Ano-ther swine! Pig! Let me go! – Èxhilárating árt will érupt!” the couch is heavily squeaking under the wrestling couple – hands and arms-wise, the composition looks like Ganesha wrestling an gasping octopus’ amorous entreaties!

“Hélp me! Dìrektór prépare to póund on dóor – Pig! – Shów me ópen thïs Góthic tìts hölder – Swine! – Aftër psycho-sëxual immërssion – You motherfucker! – Wë mëtåmör-phösìzë, tränscënd fröm Chèkhóff bïtter fätalízmus – Pig! Pig! – Through Zïgmönd’s tëllu-riän früktifìkátion – You swine! No! Stop it! – In Gándhián fùlfilled sérénity!”

“Lecher! The show is over! Let me go!”

“Büt mëthöd shöws –You beast! – Strässbérg hímself töld me – Get off from me! Pig! Help! Help!”

“Yör Käractèr äsk välidatiön – Take your paws off me! – Dìrektór needs äktualïzation Let me go! – Kárnal reheärsal, Freudiän éxploration – Pig! – Stänislawský deep ëxplóration – You fuckin’ creep!”

“Thälia démands – Go away! – We fight öppréssiön, we åre nöble, let’s free öur meat – No way! – Let’s négöciate, I free yöur meat – You pig! No way! – Yöu free mÿ meat! – You, pig! – C’mön, lét’s Bertölt Brëcht réturn söcietÿ whät’s thëirz – Swine! Swine! Swine! – Gròtòwsky zelb-aütèntïficatiön – Fuckin’ swine! – Pétér Brooks sëlf-deep välídation! – Swine! Swine! Swine! – Ändreý Shérban selb-scrütinizätion –”

“LET-ME-GO! No more Grotowsky!”

“Malchika! I machen Sie Frénch tríck with tóng!”

“You dream of it! Pig lecher! No way!” away she’s squirreled from his paws and back-wards steps – swift move, and she’s wrapped herself in a bed cloth, indeed a somber, Dan-tesque vision, severe, long, straight falling folds, from hood to ground, damningly standing in this bolge of Thespian infamy.

“Täke whíp! Bé my Pröspera, I’ll bé deine Káliban!” Diréktor’s fallën ön hïs ckneez: “This òeuvre wíll dráw hüge réviews! I háve ádmírers! New Yórk Tímes, The Glöbe, Le Mónde, Fränkfurter Stådtsblätt, Tríbüne!” Diréktor crawls on the boards, imploring the seve-re, cloaked silhouette:

“The böards fúlfillment rëquire kärnal märtyrdäm! Pilatäés sexüal cålisthënics! The Ifígëniâ thing, víscëral sürrendér!”

“You are a fuckin’ major creep! This freakin’ thing will go to LA Times!”

“Ohhhh! You’ve got Káreer ahéad! I paid the rént for théatr! Let’s éxplore Kärácters’ ür-ge! Ímmerse in sëx! Lét árt tríumph! Kom! Gjërè ïdè! Hàídà àìchì!”

“This fuckin’ thing is over!” the ghost solemnly uttereth.

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 10

“Áääääähhhh!” Dírektór wäils, köllapsïng ön thë boards, “Mälchika, gímme föfö! Why’ü zö nästy? Wöòähähähähäh...!”

“… and for maintaining the excellence of our services,” the headphone is suavely trickling, “at anytime your conversation with our Dedicated Credit Customer Service Representative may be monitored; we, at Equihilarian Corporation are proud of having you as a Valued Preferred Customer. In a few moments, one of our Dedicated Associates will be with you – ‘till then, have you ever considered to convert your home equity in a fluid, strategized, synergetic, customized life-style enhancing self-adjusting credit line? Ahah! I see, you want to know how…” and Dedicated Associate Brian is stoically seating in his gray cubicle, hoof of headphone chirping on his shoulder, on his computer screen an arrangement of bluish dia-logue boxes, and he is listening to mister Heckerling who, in his supervisorial starch has been warming the seat across him for a while, analyzing his disappointing performance review:

“I’m afraid you’re right, mister Heckerling,” Brian nods, absent mindedly sliding his hand along the left side edge of his desk.

“… week four: you failed twenty-four times to EDABIHOP [Equihilarian Dedicated Associate Brian Identifying Himself On Phone, NB], then you missed twelve calls and you cut short six Valued Excited Preferred Customers®. And, even worse, you didn’t give twelve Valued Excited Preferred Customers® the chance to take advantage of the ‘Wiggling Dollars In Your Wallet©’ ECDSP/Equihilarian Cash Differential Syncretism Program, then you didn’t give fourteen Valued Excited Preferred Customers® the chance to take advantage of ‘Roar! Smiles In The House Again™’ EFFCS/ Equihilarian Financial Fluid Consolidation System! Fourteen Valued Excited Preferred Customers®, Brian! Fourteen disappointed Equihilarian Valued Excited Preferred Customers®, do you realize this, Brian?”

“Brian, we are here to help people; the Valued Excited Preferred Customers® when they call to check their cards balance are very disappointed, I can say antagonized, indeed, if not given the chance to take advantage of ‘Wiggling Dollars In Your Wallet©’ and ‘Roar! Smiles In The House Again™’, respectively ECDSP/Equihilarian Cash Differential Syncretism Pro-gram and of the EFFCS/Equihilarian Fluid Financial Consolidation System…”

Dedicated Associate Brian is melancholically nodding, acknowledging mister Heckerling’s devastating review of his EDABIHOP, absent-mindedly sliding his hand along the far, right-side edge of his desk – from the beginning of the EDABIHOP evaluation meeting the feel of some tiny asperities on the underneath side of his table have made him (lazily) wonder:

“… what these little hard things are – nails tips? Nah – too many – carpentry glue drops? Nah – I wonder – WHOAW! IT’S SNOT, DRIED SNOT! Yeah, little clumps of dried snot! – here, more snot – and here, snot – snot – snot – snot –”

“You’re right, mister Heckerling – snot – snot – yeah, Steven’s shoveling his nose, sticking those things here’ – true, mister Heckerling – snot –snot – I agree, I got to get a grip of my EDA-BIHOP – snot – snot – yeah, that’s Steve’s snot and this is NDHC, Nasal Debris Harvesting Compulsion – snot – snot –”

“You’re right, mister Heckerling – more snot – more – more snot – Woaw! I’m a breakthrough discoverer, in the New England ‘Journal Of Medical Reviews’, my paper: ‘NDHC-Syndrome: Financial Institutions Professions As Catalyst For Nasal Debris Harv-esting Compulsion & Subsequent Undertable Storing’; a total smash, Masters and Johnson, the co-dependency stuff, lost memory recovery or the PMS Syndrome things are nothing, I’ll go national, on Oprah, Charlie Rose, Larry King, on…”

“Good Morning America! I’m Paula Zahn and here’s Brian with his ‘Nasal Debris

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 11

Harvesting Compulsion And Subsequent Undertable Storage’ a truly alerting yet spellbinding book – Brian, frankly, I was stunned when realizing that we, Americans, must add NDHC to the list of the diseases which besiege this nation...”

“Brian, as an Equihilarian Dedicated Associate, you are supposed to IVEPEC [Interface Valued Excited Preferred Equihilarian Customers, NB] only three hundred times during your shift, this is not very much for a Dedicated Associate EIISW job [Equihilarian Individual In-terface Standardized Workspace/Cubicle, NB]. So, in the light of these facts, your EDABPS [Equihilarian Dedicated Associate Brian Performance Score, NB] is alarmingly low, Brian,” and Brian is sadly nodding in agreement with mister Heckerling’s comments on how his EDABPS is not at the height of ‘Roar! Smiles In The House Again™’ and ‘Wiggling Dollars In Your Wallet©’ offered by Equihilarian Corporation to its Valued Excited Preferred Cus-tomers®:

“More dried snot – more snot – more – I never thought there is so much snot under my table – snot – snot – what’s this? Gum? – yeah, gum – gum –gum – snot – snot – gum – snot – gum – snot – gum – snot – snot – snot –”

“OH-MY-GOD! These are signals! H-E-L-P! Morse snot-and-gum secret messages! Steven’s calling for help! In Equihilarian’s oubliette, a ghost wrapped in twenty years worth of beard‘n hair, rags flying around his emaciated body! Digging with a spoon a tunnel out to freedom! H-E-L-P! Signaling! Like Papillon! Abbé Faria! Hans Fallada! Snot – snot – snot – gum – gum – snot – snot –snot – snot!”

“Thank you Brian for paying attention to what I’m saying– ”

“It’s my duty, mister Heckerling – S-O-S! Morse snot signals! This is so tragic, like Nobile at the North Pole! S-O-S! Snot – gum – snot – snot – snot –”

“Does your EDABIHOP’s EDABPS make you comfortable, Brian?”

“Snot – gum – snot – snot – no, mister Heckerling, I’m pretty devastated, really.”

“Very well, Brian, let me give you an example of how I give an Valued Excited Preferred Equihilarian Customer Composite®, researched and built by Equihilarian Corporation an effective ‘Wiggling Dollars In Your Wallet©’ ECDS/ Equihilarian Cash Differential Syn-cretism Program in EFNFFP [Equihilarian Full Natural Enthusiastic Friendly Flow Pre-sentation®, NB]; pay attention, your EDAPS is very low and this might be your last possi-bility for improvement before been granted the chance to pursue other opportunities else-where.”

“Thank you, mister Heckerling for reminding me this – gum – snot –snot – gum –”

“Ok, I’ll start now; remember, always when giving an Equihilarian Full Natural Enthu-siastic Friendly Flow Presentation® you are friendly, debonair and, more than everything else, NATURAL,” mister Heckerling is severely looking at him:

“NATURAL. NATURAL. NATURAL. YOU ARE NATURAL, everything flows naturally, no contrivance, no forced attitude; natural and sincere, this is how we are at Equihilarian when giving our Excited Preferred Customers® the chance to take advantage of our wide range of financial services, we are indeed a fulfilling corporation. Brian, you already went through fifteen presentation workshops; you need to commit more time to perfect these skills. Myself, I do it very well, yet I can tell you that I still, often rehearse my FENFFP with my wife home; maybe you want to try this approach, too, with your significant other.”

“This is the first thing I’ll do this afternoon, mister Heckerlig – snot –snot – gum –snot – gum – gum – snot –snot – snot – gum – snot – gum – pus – snot – ”

“Good; now, Brian, please pay attention – look how I do it: Mister Lopez [now mister He-ckerling is doing it, NB], thank you for your time and for using Equihilarian Corporation’ ser-vices and indeed it was a great pleasure to help you with your

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 12

financial concerns – he will thank you here and you will thank him here – and we, at Equihilarian Corporation are truly looking forward to serve you and your extended family, friends and neighbors and anyone you may wish to recommend our services in any financial matters you or they may consider – he will thank you here and you will thank him here – see Brian? Perfectly flowing, nothing artificial!”

“Then: Now, mister Lopez [he’s doing it again, NB], I hope you will give me the chance to introduce to you an opportunity for taking advantage of a few out of the many other fi-nancial services which, perhaps, you weren’t aware that Equihilarian Corporation is striving to make available to our Valued Excited Preferred Customers® – he will thank you here, and you will thank him here – see, smooth, natural, nothing artificial. Now, mister Lopez [mister Heckerling is doing it again, NB], I am certain that you – together with your Lopez extended family and your diverse neighbors – are often anxiously wondering about the true extent in which Equihilarian Corporation and our Dedicated Associates are committed to meet today’s financial challenges our Valued Excited Preferred Customers® face and now I am proud that I have the opportunity to assure you that we, at Equihilarian Corporation…”

“Snot – snot – snot – gum – gum – snot – snot – snot – snot – gum – snot – gum – snot – gum – snot – snot – What are these? These things are smaller, not snot or gum – hm – hm – ohmygod! It’s Clara the temp who keeps squeezing her pimples! Dried pus! Pus – pus – pus – ohmygod, another message of distress – pus – pus – pus – snot – gum – pus – snot – snot – gum – pus –”

“…payment due date – Absolutely, mister Heckerling – snot – pus – snot – snot – I loved the way you brought in the limitations of benefits matter, mister Heckerling – gum – gum – reserve the right – gum – snot – whichever is greater – snot – closing day – snot – gum – snot – snot – pus – pus – gum – snot – mister Heckerling, this protection plan is indeed a su-perb financial choice – snot – under the law – pus – gum – snot – snot – snot – gum – pus – you’re right mister Heckerling, Equihilarian Corporation cannot afford to fail our customers’ expectations – snot – snot – seriously delinquent – snot – pus – gum – snot – payments schedule – billing cycle scheme – odious racket –”

“… subject to changing terms – snot – snot – pus – gum – you agree that we may add a fee to your account anytime we feel necessary to protect your interests – snot – gum – snot – snot – pus – snot – arbitration provision which may substantially limit or affect you rights – pus – pus – snot – gum – gum – snot – snot – “card” means the card we issue to you – snot – snot – pus – gum – pus – gum – fees, rates, costs, limitations and penalties – snot – snot – gum – snot –gum – snot – pus ––no refunds, no responsible for late mail, telephone, telegraph, computer mal-functions or Acts of God, but not limited at – pus – gum – pus – snot – gum – pus – gum – snot – if the Wall Street Journal ceases publication or to publish the U.S. prime rate we may substitute a similar reference rate at our sole discretion – pus – snot – snot – pus – snot – snot – snot – pus – pus – gum – gum we may change or terminate all or any part of this agreement or add new terms at any time without any limitations adding or increasing – snot – gum – pus – snot – gum – pus – we may unilaterally increase your APR, your fees, take other action – pus – snot – snot – pus – snot – pus – gum – snot – tragic message sent in the universe, floating away – snot – snot – pus – like in the film where Julia Roberts finds a message of distress in a bottle in the ocean – snot – gum – puss – snot – tiny voices of despair coming out of Exhilarian’s cubicles – snot – gum – snot – pus – C-H-A-I-N-E-D-I-N-A-D-U-N-G-E-O-N – snot – gum – snot – pus – D-I-G-G-I-N-G-A-T-U-N-N-E-L-W-I-T-H-A-S-P-O-O-N – gum – pus –snot – gum – signals of despair streaming away in the endless universe – snot – gum – pus – converging in a large, majestic flow of – snot – gum – snot – snot…”

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 13

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 15

sightings (an old training supervisor who, upon retirement, returned to Equihilarian as a revengeful ghost, demonically bursting, clipboard in hand, from computer screens or Equihilarian motivational posters, offering to terror stricken, screaming Dedicated Associates financing plans or synergetic credit lines fusing with exciting fees) – absurd, enormous, impersonal, sinister, petty, baffling and dwarfingly true, from EDABIHOP to EFFC to ECDS to EDAPS to EFNFFP (not to mention the latest draconian implementation of a drastically shorter Equihilarian Scheduled Natural Personal Alimentary Residues Evacuation Down Time, the ‘No Reading Materials In The ESNPAREDT Room’ rule personally enforced by mister Heckerling) – who would doubt that Equihilarian Corporation is a conducive place for a doomed Dedi-cated Associate to commune with a despaired robin trying to find an escape for the free skies.

“Brian, you’ve been sitting for minutes doing nothing!” the little speaker on the computer conveys Mr. Heckerling’s concerns.

“Oooooof!” ooofs Dedicated Associate Brian and hoofs the head-set on his head, looking at the blinking device announcing a stack of parked phone calls, anxiously awaiting exciting conversions of home equities in fluid, strategized – snot – snot – pus – synergetic customized life-style enhancing self-adjusting credit lines – pus – gum – snot – and Dedicated Associate Brian is again feeling with the hand the under side of his desk:

“Snot – pus – gum – yeah, they’re there – snot – pus – gum – pus – snot – gum – snot – prisoner – in – the – Equihilarian – dungeon – pus – pus – gum – snot – daily – tortures – gum – snot – snot – sinister troglos – run – the – place – snot – pus – gum – tragedy – ongoing – pus – pus – all – hope – lost – crushing destiny – gum – snot – snot – gum – ” tragic train of signals, vanishing from the Equihiarian cubicle on a majestic arc in the universe, tiny clumps of dried snot, gum and pus, their trans-cendent progress towards a somewhere in Cosmos followed by Brian’s yeaning, hyp-notized gaze, their weak, transitory substance so poignantly illustrating the sense of deep, existential anguish and human condition’s tragic frailty: “Snot – snot – gum – pus – gum – pus,” the tragic urgency of their humanness providing an inspiring collegiality for one’s spirit when confronting oppression and an unresponsive, senseless, cold universe, “Pus – gum – snot – snot – gum – snot – pus –”

“Snot – gum – pus – snot – snot,” tiny, yet crisp and bold organic clumps, reaffirming the resilience of the human spirit, conveying a mobilizing sense for the one consumed by the vision of freedom! “Snot – pus – snot – gum – L’éspoir! L’éspoir! Die Gedanken siend Frei!” Yearning, hope for freedom! No tyrant can ever wrest away it! *[MDN-02]

“Snot – snot – pus – gum – snot,” then an inspirational flutter of feathered wings! the tragic, existential robin lost in Equihilarian’s dungeon has just done a spectacular, daring looping by Brian’s head, has landed on his computer – a defiant, power-of-will “Chirp!” followed by a minutely, exquisitely marbled, inspirational dropping on Brian’s hand!

“Die Gedanken Sind Frei!” and Dedicated Associate Brian rapidly examines a list of emergency phone numbers tacked on the wall of his cubicle, then dials and leans back, comfortably in his seat, gratefully looking at the existential robin which is releasing another inspirational dropping on his computer keyboard:

“Hello? Mrs. Heckerling? This is Dedicated Associate Brian, from Equihilarian Corporation...

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––-

* [MDN-02]]: “Die Gedanken Sind Frei!” German: “Thoughts (the mind) are forever free!”; the song of the American war pri-soners in the The Great Escape film.

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 16

“Yes, m’am, mister Heckerling is my boss… Now, Mrs. Heckerling, you may wonder why I am calling your home number, so now I will tell you some exciting news: per mister Heckerling’s assesssments regarding my career prospects with the Equihilarian Corporation and encouraged by his habit of rehearsing giving/receiving good service with you even when off duty, I’m calling to ask you to give me a private presentation of good, fulfilling service… Yes, I am calling you to inform you that here, at Equihilarian Corporation, there are more than a few Dedicated Associates excitedly awaiting to receive good, fulfilling service demonstrations from you, pants dropped or skirts lifted… Wait, wait, please, and as far as logistics, I suggest the Whispering Dunes motel, two miles down the road, mister Heckerling often rests there for a few hours during his overtime periods, in case you weren’t aware of this – we’d appreciate your being there in about one hour or so. Right now I’m drafting here the list of Dedicated Associates ready to get good service demonstrations from you – I’m sure you will appreciate the fact that I’ll be summoning as many as possible of mister Heckerling’s admirers here, at Equihilarian Corporation, and in a few moments I’ll e-mail all the details of this event to everybody in the corporation, then I’ll post every-thing in the Equihilarian Corporation’s main lobby as well. Giving good service surely deserves wide recognition and publicity, so we understand to support this…”

♦

Historians say that when Don Felipe, King of Spain, was presented with the plans for the new settlements which were to be built in his freshly acquired New World territories (Mexico and California), he (Don Felipe, king of Spain), after inquiring about weather, pace of sea-ons, patterns of winds, path of the sun and moon and other natural factors bound to affect the habits and ways of life of his present or future sub-jects there, natives or deportees society enriching new-comers, he wisely instructed that all main streets in the new settlements must be aligned with the equator and the path of the sun in such a manner, as to allow the sun to travel and discharge its abundant light and warmth along its daily journey, from sunrise to sunset, constantly and fully over said settlements’ streets, to provide comfort and prosperity furthering conditions for the (hopefully positive) activities of his remote royal subjects.

How his wise instructions were fulfilled by viceroys and governors varies from place to place in these former Spanish colonies, as they (instructions) were distorted by earthquakes, real estate developers schemes, superstitions, demographics, revolu-tions, colonial wars, yanqui malfeasance and so on. Fact is though, that this urbanistic concept was applied in many places of the former Californian Spanish settlements, and since the early days of colonial past, in El Pueblo de Nostra Señora la Reina de los Angeles Sobre el Rio de la Porciuncola (that is Los Angeles or LA, or in an even less respectful manner, La-La-land), the sun has always been blazing implacably, traveling right overhead, from East to West, as it does right now, in this last day of October 1996, moment when the sequence of occurrences this narration endeavors to describe begins – an implacably blazing, tropical sun presiding over the straight rivers of Sun-set, Santa Monica, Wilshire and Olympic Boulevards and their countless tribu-taries, this overcrowded Mekong Delta floating village of lazily flowing SUVs in whose hot carosseries caged locals are screaming in cell phones or at nasty, swift at responding, kicking and insulting pedestrians.

Now, while recognizing these majestic regularities and the many other positive things, social and otherwise that cascade over the city of Los Angeles from this royal astronomical arrangement, we still cannot avoid addressing a nasty problem, that is, ugly, reprehensible and shameful things are not thriving and swarming only in the

♦ Misanthropy’s Ever-Expanding Wings ♦ Prologue ♦ 14

“… snot – snot – pus – snot – snot – pus – snot – pus – message of despair – snot – there is not hope – snot – pus – snot – no relief will ever come from the cold Cosmos – snot – pus –snot –”

“Well, Brian, now how do you feel about this last investment made by the Equihilarian Corporation in refurbishing your Equihilarian Dedicated Associate career? I hope that you have recognize that you got new wings, to say so,” – mister Heckerling is severely looking at Brian.

“Totally so, mister Heckerling, it’s the most exciting thing ever to work for the Equihilarian Corporation, mister Heckerling – snot – pus – gum – snot – snot – pus – gum – snot – my dedication and commitment to the Equihilarian Corporation’s aims are total, mister Hecker-ling, please have no doubts – pus – pus – snot – pus – gum – snot – gum – pus – snot – “

“… last possibility for improvement before been afforded the chance to pursue other opportunities elsewhere… recognize that you got new wings, so to say,” – Dedicated Associate Brian is looking at the marching mister Heckerling who after taking a corner vanishes in Equihilarian’s maze of gray, inter-connected cubicles and hallways.

Light flutter of some small wings – over the enormous, windowless, sprawling labyrinth of modular cubicles on the floor of Equihilarian Corporation, through the ceaseless rumor of ex-citing financial propositions, fluid financial consolidations and differential syncretism pro-grams, a stranded robin had been doing some suicidal aerobatics for the past few days, searching for an inexistent exit, and Brian had for long moments been watching the bird’s predicament, communing with its smallness, despair and hopeless.

Birds cannot show despair? Kinda not – yet who would blame for sloppy thinking the chained slaves rowing on this ‘Wiggling Dollars In Your Wallet© cursed galley, the little bird’s countless daring yet constantly doomed attempts at escape so well illustrating the tra-gic fate faced by the souls caught in this financial institution’s extreme, existential, annihi-lating environment phone customer service situation (particularly by those who, laid-back, yet clocking the thirty years age, can list just “some college” and customer fulfillment jobs in their resumes).

The Equihilarian floors are indeed enormous and forbidding (often dead birds found in their corners), the hordes of Dedicated Associates (recruited from a largely unenthusiastic layer of greater Los Angeles’ populace), rowing incarcerated in a maze of countless, tiny, gray, so-ciopathy inducing cubicles, the newly hired Dedicated Associates always given maps with arrows to follow in order to arrive at their assigned cubicles – and, because the daunting complexity and dimensions of the floors’ labyrinths of cubicles, it’s never been an unusual occurrence for a Dedicated Associate when returning from HIH-ESNIAREDT [her /its/his Equihilarian Scheduled Natural Individual Alimentary Residues Evacuation Down Time, NB], or HIH-ESNIFTA [Equihilarian Scheduled Nutritional Intake Fulfillment Time Allotment, NB], to find an unknown Dedicated Associate, by error in HIH-EIISW, sitting in HIH seat and gi-ving to a Valued Excited Preferred Customer® an EFNEFFP-Equihilarian Full Natural En-thusiastic Friendly Flow Presentation for an EFFC-Equihilarian Financial Fluid Consolidation System ‘Roar! Smiles In The House Again™.’

Lost birds erratically crisscrossing the air space of the enormous floors, ricocheting among stuttering, spooky neon lights, menacing video cameras watching the Dedicated Associates’ activity and loudspeakers prodding the under-performing ones; furtive chatter among Dedi-cated Associates about sightings of families of squatters living in remote corners of the floors, cooking and watching TV among ropes with drying clothes; low voiced rumors about those two newly hired Korean Dedicated Associatees who were found starved to death in the J-J-12b sector after losing their floor maps; rapid, nervous exchanges by the water fountain about Mrs. Tompkins

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